


Acting

by timeaeus



Category: Ouran High School Host Club - All Media Types
Genre: M/M, Porn With Plot, Sibling Incest, Trans Character, Trans Male Character, Twincest, amazing i actually wrote smthn thats not just. the fuckie, sorry mom, theyre not actually twins or even brothers but theyre teccchhh nically related lmao
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-10
Updated: 2016-01-10
Packaged: 2018-05-12 23:39:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,589
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5686051
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/timeaeus/pseuds/timeaeus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He’s insufferably aloof, acting like you don’t exist even when you’re forced to give up half your room for him. What is he, your billionth (fifth) cousin? </p>
<p>This can't possibly go /that/ badly, although falling for your pseudo-twin was probably a bad idea.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Acting

**Author's Note:**

> so uh   
> yeah i dont have much to say besides im trash 
> 
> time passes weirdly in this fic and pov changes are abrupt. oops.

You meet Hikaru at the tender age of twelve and hate his ornery ass instantly. 

He’s insufferably aloof, acting like you don’t exist even when you’re forced to give up half your room for him. You try your best to let it go, assuming the shock of the grief is making him act so- but it’s not fair that you now have to coexist with this distant relative you didn’t even know you had. What is he, your billionth (fifth) cousin? 

He barely speaks to anyone at first, aside from formalities and greetings to your parents and occasionally you, possibly to pose a question or two only to fall silent again. However, he doesn’t stay in that angelic state for long. Hikaru is an intensely cocky asshole and his immaturity is quickly revealed to you. 

“Hey, hey, Kaoru, who’s this doofus in this photo? Hey, Kaoru, when’s dinner? Hey, Kaoru, do you ever watch anything actually interesting? Kaoru, who do you read so much? Do you ever talk? Ah, why is everything so damn boring here? Is this all you do? You don’t do very much, do you?” 

Shut up, shut up, shut up. He’s so incredibly, awfully annoying. 

He also looks  _ obnoxiously  _ similar to you, a fact he agonizes about on a daily basis. It’s slightly eerie; you look like you could be brothers, perhaps. If you style your hair the right way, and maybe a little eye makeup...you could definitely be more closely related. You could be twins, actually. Huh.

_ Huh. _

You don’t ever know much about his life before he came to live with you. It must’ve been pretty isolated, as you were the only relatives who could take him in when his parents died. You think they must’ve been richer than you, because he’s used to luxuries even you don’t have. He voices this. Frequently, without even meaning to. He’s blunt and an idiot and doesn’t even  _ try  _ to be. The way he acts so socially inept tips you off on the fact that he probably hasn’t had many friends. 

The similarities between you two grow uncomfortably. You find when you’re with him you become more like him. He ropes you into playing games with him, on the maids mostly. They’re charmed by him at first, say he’s a good companion for you, gets you out of your room, but he quickly shows himself to be a little devil in disguise. 

You hate to admit that some of his tricks are, well, rather hilarious. 

There comes a day, around two months after him moving in, that you give up reacting to his complaints with anything other than indifference. You drop your constant mildly annoyed (or thoroughly annoyed) demeanor towards him in an act of- not defeat, you refuse to call it that- acceptance. Somewhere along the way you realize you’re going to have to live probably the rest of your life involved with this guy and you might as well try to tolerate him. 

Your suffering has not ended, though. School creates...complications.

Hikaru was homeschooled before. He has little trouble settling into the routine of classes, but interaction with classmates is...another thing entirely. You’re honestly a little shocked by his behavior on the first day. He will not leave your side. His speech to teachers is as it is to your parents, respectful and proper, but to classmates he might as well be a robot. His suave air and snarky remarks are nowhere to be found. 

People ask if he is your brother, your cousin, or...ah, ah, I see, Kaoru-kun and Hikaru-kun have  _ that  _ kind of relationship, don’t they? You splutter and explain in a rush that he’s your very distant cousin, you see, and of course it’s not like that, he’s only been here for a few months, for Christ’s  _ sake,  _ Suoh. 

You knew you hated that guy for a reason. 

Hikaru is silent at the end of the day. He rests his head against the window of the car the whole drive, staring dolefully out of it. You can’t tell if he’s bored or tired or actually bothered by something. He lies on his bed and stares at the ceiling when you get home, pays you no mind, and yet you glance at him every thirty seconds for fifteen minutes before you give up and break the silence. 

“So, how does actual school compare to your private tutor, huh? I bet you’re oh so disappointed. Is that why you were clinging to me so much today, culture shock?”

He is silent for a minute and you wonder if you’re being too petty. Here he is, rubbing off on you, making you act so childish. “There’s a lot of people. Everywhere,” he finally declares. 

Ah, you’ve been an asshole, haven’t you. You suppose it makes sense he would be intimidated by such crowded social situations. 

“There’s  _ too  _ many.”

“Ah...yeah.” You frown, hunching your shoulders. What do you say? “Well, you know...you’ll get used to it. People are nice there, and you don’t have to talk to anyone anyways.” That was doubtfully reassuring at all. 

Hikaru shrugs after a moment, then sighs and turns his back to you. “I suppose.”

Whatever, this isn’t your responsibility. He’s just your cousin, fifth one at that. 

 

By the time you’re halfway through Junior High, though, the two of you have reached a kind of agreement. You coexist together in the way that works most simply- you are brothers, now. Everyone buys it, in fact, because you look so strangely alike. It’s easy, not quite natural for you two yet but easy enough.

Over time you adopt nearly identical haircuts and mannerisms, and people just assume you’re twins. The both of you never decided any of this, it was what people saw and it was always simpler to accept what they believed than explain the situation. Besides, you grow to do everything together. The two of you are similar in your ways- other people are always the outsider. You were separate too, before, but due to circumstance have become a kind of unit. It’s no longer you and him- not in the way teachers, your parents, classmates treat you. It’s them, and you two. The outside world, and the life Hikaru and you live. Even if within your unit you exist separately, perhaps barely touch at all, it doesn’t appear so to the outside eye. One could say you seem inseparable. 

In reality, it’s just...easier to do everything together. People start calling you Hikaru, and you answer. The first time it happens it’s jarring, makes you step back and look at how identical the two of you have become, but you are quick to accept it. 

What difference does it make, after all?

Although, when your own parents start mixing you two up it’s a little disheartening. The maids at least don’t, but they spend more time with you, you suppose. 

It’s nice, you guess, that now you are always together you have more of an excuse to avoid others. You don’t need anyone else if you have yourself and Hikaru. It’s like two halves of a whole, admittedly mostly in others’ views. 

It’s clear to you that Hikaru does not actually view you as a brother, nor you him. More like a partner in crime, so to speak (although sometimes, quite literally). It’d be a lie to say you hate, or even dislike him, but he doesn’t feel like  _ family. _

You think it’s because of the way he treats you when you’re alone. Your closely knit daily routine, as though you  _ were  _ twins even though you’re not, has created a kind of bond between you two that doesn’t really exist between anyone else. You experience nearly everything together, although, there is something that drastically separates you from him, and if people knew they’d see there’s no way for you to be twins.

At first, you tried to hide it from him. Of course, that was grossly impossible when sharing a room, and you couldn’t keep your chest bound or your other affects hidden forever. Hikaru is and was...surprisingly understanding. He’s never questioned you about it and he’s never done anything but treat you like a male. It’s a little thing about him that is actually a  _ big  _ thing, and proof that he’s actually a decent person once you get past the exterior of immaturity. 

Also, if anyone ever tells you you seem rather feminine sometimes, or that you’re almost pretty like a girl, he’s quick to remind them that that means he is too, as you’re  _ twins,  _ aren’t we Kaoru, and he’s surprisingly helpful with binding and...reassuring you, maybe.

You guess it’s nice to have him around. You were...considerably lonely before. You suppose. 

But the way he acts around just you throws things out of balance just a little. 

Sometimes, he’s so withdrawn he’ll hardly look at you. Other times, he forgets what personal space means and drapes himself all over you, and demands attention. It’s little things, like constantly needing help on his homework, that you’re not even sure he’s aware of that he asks of you, things that make you put other things aside to focus on him. You’re also highly aware of when he watches you, stares even, and it’s impossible to read his expression because he  _ seems  _ like he could just be staring off into space but it happens so often you know he’s not.

And he’ll pull a one-eighty on you so quickly, going from needling you for attention to, five minutes later, leaving the room or sitting on the other side of it and acting like you don’t exist.

It’s obnoxious, it’s confusing, it’s infuriating. 

When you do the same, lean into him or seek him out or ignore him he reacts more strongly than you expect each time, and it’s got you on your head, feeling like everything is upside down. He rarely changes around others, it’s just you. You keep up the twin act without batting an eyelash. At home, he flips on you frequently and suddenly, and you do your best not to get frustrated. 

He’s always been weird, maybe it’s just a phase. Soon enough, you’re sure you’ll get an answer or he’ll just stop altogether once he works it out himself. 

 

“Kaoru-kun, is Hikaru-kun okay?”

You don’t know. He hasn’t spoken to you, more than brief greetings, in three days, ten hours- yes, you’re counting- and thirty four minutes. He won’t look at you, won’t go near you. You’re pissed, you don’t know why, he’s right there across the room but you miss him. 

You prop your chin in your hand and wave your hand dismissively. “He’s fine, just being moody. Maybe a girl he likes turned him down, or something.” You don’t spare him a glance, but you know he heard you and you know he’s irritated. You also know that’s not it. 

“Eh? You think so? Hm, I thought you of all people would know, though. You’re so close, even for twins!” 

“Is that so?” 

“Yeah, yeah. You seem like you need him, it must suck to have him ignore you, huh?” Eh, maybe. Hikaru is more dependent on you, you think. You really don’t care much for what your classmates have to say about your relationship with Hikaru. You know how it is. 

Or. You know how it appears. You don’t actually know how he  _ really  _ feels about you, with him being so confusing lately. 

Ah, this is all such a headache. 

It’s awfully annoying though, to listen to your classmates clamour, and it’s annoying that Hikaru is ignoring you because it is kind of pleasant to be with him, sometimes. It’s just like him to be so childish. You think you’ll tell him that. 

After school, you track him down on the roof. It’s like he’s running away from you. 

You walk up behind him. “Hikaru.”

“Hmm?”

“What are you doing?”

He glances at you before looking away, though the chainlink at the students below. “Standing on the roof.”

“You know what I mean, dummy. People are talking. What are you ignoring me for?”

“I’m not ignoring you.”

“We go home together. Are you hiding? You’re not five, you know.”

“I know, I’m not hiding. Why would I be hiding? From  _ what,  _ huh?”

“That’s what I’m asking!”

He grumbles and sighs, then turns back and stalks to the stairs. “Come on, Kaoru. Let’s go home, okay?” You stare after him for a moment, stunned and offended that he’s going to just brush you off. When has he had a problem he didn’t tell you about? Almost never in the past few years, you’re sure. You grit your teeth and stomp after him to the car. A scowl is etched in your face the whole way home, and when you get there you beat him to your room and lock the door on him, keeping him out. He can come in when he’s decided to stop being an asshole. 

Apparently, he’s not going to give up. You don’t even hear a complaint, just his footsteps fading down the hall. There is a moment before he leaves, that he just stands at the door, and you wonder what he’s thinking in that moment.

Dinner is tense with a side of passive aggressive glares across the table. You’ve never fought before, really, if this even counts as a fight because there’s no  _ talking  _ involved and you don’t even know why you’re fighting. The maids convince you to reluctantly let him into the room to sleep that night. As soon as the door is shut behind him, you almost hear their sigh of relief. All the discomfort is concentrated in your room, for now, and they don’t have to deal with it. Hikaru won’t look at you. Maybe you’ll sleep somewhere else. 

You have your hand on the doorknob and your pillow under your arm, ready to escape, but something literally holds you back. You whip around, glaring viciously, wondering what the hell he wants now. 

He’s caught the back of your shirt, but he’s not really trying to hold you back now. He keeps his eyes firmly to the side, head bowed a little like he hopes his hair will hide his whole face. His darker roots are starting to come in, you notice. He’ll have to bleach it soon if he wants to keep being your twin. His ears are red- that sets you apart too. 

You don’t know why that’s what came to mind first. 

“Kaoru, do you ever get annoyed with being brothers?”

Your face goes blank. What? “What.” Why would you be annoyed by that? “We’re not even brothers.”

Hikaru withdraws his hand and brings it to his mouth, gnawing on the nail of his ring finger. “I know, but, legally and in essence, we are, aren’t we…” Why does that sound like he’s asking you? “What I mean is, does it bother you that everyone just...assumes we’re the same? That we’re twins?”

You turn fully around and frown. “Not...really. Why would it, it’s just how things are. It doesn’t matter if we are brothers, or even if we feel like brothers. It’s just the place we fill in life. It’s convenient.”

He scowls, muttering something to himself. 

“What?”

“Nothing, it’s just. I don’t get why it’s so convenient.”

You blink. “Is this...really what you’re so hung up on?” You snort, trying not to laugh. “I can’t believe you. Look, if it bothers you so much that we’re so identical just...don’t dye your hair anymore, or do your own thing. I don’t care, we don’t have to be the same all the time. It’s not like we’re actually-”

“You don’t care?” He looks you right in the eye now, glaring. “You don’t care that we’re not brothers, or if we act like it or not, or if we’re together or.” He snaps his mouth shut and looks away again. His face is getting redder. 

“What? That’s not what I meant and you know it! God, stop being so damn dramatic. Can’t you just tell me what’s  _ actually  _ bothering you, or if this is it, why? I don’t get it.”

Hikaru groans and buries his face in his hands. “...Iunno.”

“I can’t tell what you’re saying, y’know.”

“I...don’t know. I don’t think I really want to be twins, all the time, I...guess.”

You sigh and walk over to your bed, toss your pillow onto it and flopping back. You shut your eyes and prop your head on your hands, feet dangling over the edge. “What  _ do  _ you want to be, then? Like I said, I don’t really care if we drop the twin thing or not. I don’t mind keeping it up, I don’t mind being brothers, or cousins, or anything. It’s-” Your eye snap open when you’re mattress dips. There’s weight over you. 

“Do you  _ really  _ not care, Kaoru?” Hikaru stares down at you, on his hands and knees, and suddenly you think you might see a glimpse of another dimension to this weird relationship you have with your “twin.” Whatever it is makes heat rush to your face when he stares at you like that.

His expression is...hard to pin down. It might be the dim light that makes him look so soul-searchy, but it’s reminiscent of how he watches you sometimes. You open and close your mouth a few times, but nothing seems to come to mind. You’re suddenly totally unsure of where you stand. 

“Hikaru...what are you doing here, exactly?”

“...I don’t actually know.”

That’s just so...like him, you can’t help but crack a smile. “Of course you don’t. You know, Hikaru, I truly don’t care if people think we’re twins or if they know the true situation. It doesn’t matter what others think, really. This has just been what’s easiest. If it’s not easy anymore, maybe we should change it. It’s not like we won’t still be together, that’s a fact of life.” 

Hikaru sits back, still on top of you as if he’s worried you might try to leave again. You push yourself up on your elbows. 

“What are you trying to get, huh? Do you want to stop pretending to be brothers, or what?”

He rubs the back of his head. “Ah, I guess I don’t...truly care if other people think we’re brothers or not. But, Kaoru…” he glances briefly at you. “Do you feel like I’m your brother?”

“No. We’re practically unrelated, you know. At least biologically.”

“What do you...feel like I am, then?” He sounds so insecure all of the sudden, you know he needs an answer but, the question throws you off. You’ve never really...questioned any of this like he clearly has, you’ve just accepted it. But now you’re here, and suddenly…

“You’re like a counterpart of sorts, I guess.” 

He smiles a little. “Ah, I see. What does that even mean, huh?”

You shrug. You’re a little...uncomfortable with all of this. You don’t like being so unsure. You’re not going to let him ask all the questions here, though. “What do I feel like to you?” 

His hands and his mouth open and close. He looks down, then scratches the back of his head again, then lets his hand sit at the juncture of shoulder and throat. The strap of his tank top slips down his arm. You resist the urge to fix it. After a moment he gets off of you and rests his back against the wall, scrunched up on your bed. “I don’t know.”

That’s not the full truth, but you think it’d be better to not push it. “Tell me when you do, then.” You grab him by the hand and pull him up to the top of your bed so you can wiggle under the covers. “If you’re not sleeping with me tonight, then get out so I can get in, it’s cold.”

He crawls in next to you, almost sheepishly. He knows this is you accepting his unsaid apology for...whatever kind of fight this was, and this is also kind of his apology. You let him wrap his gangly arms around your middle, and it doesn’t strike you that sleeping in each other’s beds like this might be a little...unusual until you’re almost asleep. 

 

You never end up dropping the twin schtick, but it’s okay. You’re both on more equal ground now, knowing at least a little more about how the other feels about it. You hadn’t realized it was bothering you, but something feels like it’s clicked into place now. Although...when that piece found its spot, it must’ve pushed something else out of alignment only you can’t seem to figure out exactly what it is or where it goes. 

Hikaru goes back to being needy, although he forgoes ignoring you. Sometimes he still withdraws, but it’s drastically improved, and you don’t worry about it anymore. There’s no more fights, no more periods of silence. It seems like an isolated incident. You hope so. 

Your twin act involves being joined at the hip, but now when you’re alone with just him, there’s hardly a gap. You have no reason to sit so closely, but one of you always invades the other’s bubble in some way. It’s comfortable, it happens naturally so you don’t  _ really  _ think anything of it. Even when Hikaru has his head in your lap at school, after the Host Club work ends for the day (maybe that Tamaki guy isn’t so bad after all), or you put your chin on his shoulder and read his texts and sling your arm around his neck, it doesn’t really feel different. Sometimes Honey makes a comment on how much you act like a married couple instead of siblings, or Tamaki makes suggestive comments to Kyoya “behind your back,” but it all is easily played off by the forbidden Bromance ™  that draws so many girls to the two of you. 

They’re all just joking, anyways. Everyone knows it’s an act. What only you two know is that you’re not even twins, that’s the real kicker. 

But, sometimes, maybe, kind of...the twin thing feels a little more fake than the cheesy romantic facade you and Hikaru put on. 

You can pretend he makes your heart throb for a gaggle of girls no problem, it’s a second nature at this point, but sometimes when you’re alone and he briefly puts his hand on yours it really does make your heart skip a beat, out of the blue. It makes absolutely no sense, it’s silly and you can  _ feel  _ yourself overthinking things, but also...only occasionally you might…

You wonder what’s made your head so confused. 

  
  


You  _ really  _ ought to stop this, before you take it too far.

So you’ve told yourself, a million times. And each time you don’t listen and it goes a little farther and you hate yourself a little more. 

You don’t understand why it has to be Kaoru, who makes you feel so out of it. Erasing everything would be so much easier, if you could just get away from him for a  _ little _ , maybe you’d snap out of it. But it’s been like this for so long now, you honestly don’t know when it started.  

You just know that one day, you didn’t want to be brothers, or related at all. It doesn’t bother you that you’re cousins- you’re so distant, who cares? But this place you’ve grown up in, not just brothers but  _ twins _ (self made, but still identical) makes you squirm. It caused that stupid fight you had, the only true rift the two of you have faced. It was your fault, for being so childish. You’re not supposed to feel this way. 

You’re not supposed to need Kaoru so much. You’re not supposed to see him the way you see him, notice little things like the shape of his jaw or the length of his eyelashes or the curve of his spine when he stretches in the morning. You’re not supposed to get sidetracked by his lips when you’re talking. 

You’re not supposed to want to fuck your twin, even if he’s not  _ actually  _ your twin. You’re not supposed to get a weird feeling, both sweet and sour, when you see how much you look like him. There’s differences, sure- you’re both feminine, him more so (of course, but you’d never say it), but he holds himself a little differently, his hands are more elegant, his eyes a little more slanted- but you’re undeniably nearly identical.  _ You’re not supposed to notice these things.  _

Your heart pounds when you sleep in the same bed, almost like you’re scared you’re somehow going to let your secret out. It’s not like you do a good job of even  _ trying  _ to hide it, heck, every day you play with fire. Every day you think you get a little closer to letting something slip. Every day you think Kaoru starts to notice things are just not  _ quite  _ right. 

You want him, you want him to feel the same, you want him to never, ever find out. To never discover how many ways you think about him, what kind of relationship you want with him. You want him to want it too. You want him to slap you back into reality. 

He can’t know what he does to you when he drapes himself over you, when he absently plays with your hair and breathes right in your ear and looks you in the eye and makes your knees weak. You don’t know if you just think he’s really hot or if you actually have feelings beyond that for him, you don’t know which is scarier. 

You know you’re kept awake watching him breathe, resisting the urge to reach out and touch his face (you sleep in his bed more than yours now, it’s comforting yet tormenting, you pretend you do it for him but he totally does it for you). It makes your stomach tie itself in knots and your breath catch but you can never bring yourself to do anything besides dig yourself deeper and deeper into your own grave. 

You’re sure you’ll snap some day, and something will slip out, and he’ll realize and everything will crash and burn but god. God. Just sitting here is torment, knowing that this can’t last forever is torment, wanting things to stay just like this- it’s all torment. 

But, ah, fuck,  _ fuck,  _ you can’t get out of it or away from it, and you don’t even want to. 

Kaoru shifts a little in his sleep and your hand freezes for a moment. His breathing quickly settles back down, and you carefully reach out, just so you can trace your fingers along his jaw. Brush his hair back a little. He doesn’t stir. 

Your faces are hardly two inches away, you could just...lean in if you wanted to. You want to. You really want to. He’s sound asleep, he’d never know, you could just...

You don’t. You sigh, watching the way it makes his hair flutter. If you do it once, you’ll want to do it again, and again, and again, so you just. 

Don’t.

  
  


A chill settles over you even as the weather gets warmer. Something’s been bothering Hikaru, you think for a long time. You don’t know what. 

Something’s bothering you, too, but you can’t bring yourself to confront it. You’ve locked it up in a box inside your head and you’re afraid to even go near it, nervous about what it means. It’s also why you can’t ask Hikaru what’s bothering him. 

Hell, you can barely even talk to him all of the sudden. Every time you try to approach certain things, your throat closes up and you’re forced to drop it. You battle with wanting to pull him into you, wanting to crawl into his bed when he chooses not to come to yours, and wanting to push him as far from you as you can. You need a break, a place away from him so you can  _ think  _ because you can never get your head on straight when he’s around. 

That….might be a pun. 

You’re not usually one for such language but, fuck. 

You try your best to just ignore everything and focus on school and club work, but...it’s a little hard to ignore everything when  _ everything  _ is always right there, in your face. Your blush is genuine when Hikaru pulls you close to please your guests, even if the things he says make it hard not to laugh. Your heart speeds up every time he sleeps in your bed, every time you wake up with his face in your chest or even his elbows digging into your stomach. You have to pretend, every day, to be in (not so) secret love with your twin when you might, in fact,  _ actually _ be in secret love with your not-twin and- no, no. Love was a bad word to use. That’s drastically overstating things, for sure. 

You’re living in hell, probably. 

When did you let this awful thing happen? Everything in your head is about him, all the time, every day. 

You just want him to be happy, you just want to be able to ask him what’s wrong and talk to him without analyzing everything he says and worrying you’ll say the wrong thing. 

But when he withdraws again, you can’t take it. 

It’s not like that one fight you had, when he completely ignored you. It’s much more subtle, more careful. Hikaru won’t be as close with you, he stops coming into your bed, when you’re not doing host activities he hardly interacts with you beyond...well, beyond what you suppose would be normal for two close brothers. It’s not enough so that others notice, but  _ you  _ notice, and it makes your guts turn to lead. When you try to get close to him, he hardly reacts, never going to push you away but refusing to treat you in kind. 

Maybe he just...needs his space. He’s gotten like this before, you tell yourself it’s nothing, it’s nothing, but it sure doesn’t feel like nothing. 

It gets worse the longer it goes on. Maybe you’re just  _ making  _ it worse, but your chest kind of aches and maybe you’re overreacting but you don’t want this, you hate it. You wish he would just  _ talk  _ to you. 

Why won’t he just tell you?  
It’s not a problem until guests start asking if, maybe, have Kaoru-kun and Hikaru-kun had a disagreement lately? Are you feeling alright, Kaoru, are you getting enough sleep? Hikaru seems a little distant, doesn’t he? Are things happening at home?

You’re not feeling alright, you’re not getting enough sleep, you don’t know what’s going on anymore. But, ah, yeah, everything is fine, girls, please, don’t worry. Studying hard is exhausting, is all. Is it easier to tell who’s who when we’re a little under the weather, hm? 

You’re alone in the music room, a rare occurrence, and it’s tempting to join him on the couch and curl up under his arm and make him talk to you. He is silent. You crouch behind one of the couches, apart from him, hands clenched on your knees and eyes firmly trained on the ground. You try, you  _ try  _ not to glance at him, hoping maybe he’ll say something at any moment that will ease all the confusion. 

He doesn’t.

He doesn’t say a damn thing, and suddenly, you’re feeling a little fed up with it. You’re not about to spend all damn summer break with this hanging over your head, you can’t...you don’t want to. 

“Hikaru.” 

No reply. 

“Hikaru.” He still refuses to talk to you. Irritated now, you stand and turn around to glare down at him. “What, did you fall asleep?”

“What, Kaoru?” 

Ah. What. Good question, you’re not entirely sure what you were getting at. You stand there open-mouthed like an idiot, until you have to accept defeat. You heave a heavy sigh and come around to slouch on the couch next to him. “What’s up with you?”

He shoots you a glare. “ _ Me _ ? You’re the one being weird lately.” 

“No, I’m not-” Well, okay...okay. Maybe a little. You guess you’ve both been avoidant. “Okay, fine, but you started it, didn’t you? Suddenly withdrawing and whatnot. You’re not still hung up on the whole brothers thing, are you? I thought we worked that out ages ago.”

He crosses his arms. “No, that doesn’t bother me. It’s like you said, it doesn’t matter how  _ other  _ people see us.” His voice trails off into a mumble towards the end. Bitter, much?

If other people don’t bother him… “So your problem is with me, then?”

“No. Sort of. No, actually, no, not really.” He grunts and throws his hands up. “Who knows?”

“Thank you so much for clarifying, I really understand what’s going on now.”

“You’re welcome.”

You run a hand through your hair. “Dammit, Hikaru, quit being such a child and just  _ tell  _ me why you keep pushing me away. Wouldn’t that be easier?”

“No.”

You groan and lean back, sliding down until you’re almost off the couch. “I hate when you act like this.”

At that, he stands up. “Then why don’t you just screw off, huh? Leave me alone.” 

“I can’t leave you alone! We live together, we’re literally always together, how am I supposed to do  _ that _ ? This isn’t going to work and you know-” You break off when the door opens, Kyoya entering with his clipboard. 

He knows he’s walked in on something. He opens his mouth to speak, but before he can Hikaru is already stalking out of the room. Dammit. You give Kyoya a brief wave and chase after him, he’s not getting away with this. 

You catch up to him, reach out and grab him by the wrist. “Hikaru, stop.” He tugs, trying to get out of your grip. “Please.” You let him go, he’s stronger than you when he wants to be anyways. 

It scares you when he acts like this, you guess. You might need him as much as (you think) he needs you, simply because it’s been so long you don’t know what life would be like without him. 

“I’m not going anywhere, Kaoru.” It’s like he’s read your mind. Which really shouldn’t surprise you, you always know what he’s going to say- except for times like now, that is. 

“Can you just...drop it? Maybe we’ll talk later.” 

You guess that’s acceptable. You nod and fall in step beside him. You know he’s hoping you’ll just drop it, but tough luck for him. You’ve yet to retract your claws from the subject.

  
  
  


It’s late, lights off and the moon shining in through a crack in the curtains when Kaoru speaks. 

“Hikaru.”

You ignore it. You’re sleeping. 

“Hikaru, I know you’re awake.” Damn it, no you’re not. You stay absolutely still while he slides out of his bed and pads over to yours. “Hey, answer me.” When you remain resolute, he crawls onto your bed and hovers over you, his weight dipping the mattress. Your eyes flutter, dammit. You turn your face into your pillow, can’t he get the message already?

After a long moment he sighs, and you think you might’ve won for a single sweet second before you realize he hasn’t left. You peek at him, finding his knees pulled up to his chest and his chin resting between them, looking out the window. The moonlight makes his soft features look sharper. 

You close your eyes again. 

“Can’t I talk to you?”

This is really grossly unfair. He sounds so small and genuine and you really just want him to be in here next to you. You don’t trust yourself at all right now. You’ve been so close to letting something slip lately, it’s so hard to keep everything in check.

“Hikaru!”

You flinch at that, giving you away for sure. 

“Okay, fine, I’ve done something, clearly. Can you just tell me what I did?”

He hasn’t done anything, this isn’t his fault. Slowly, you push yourself up so you’re sitting and looking at your hands in your lap. You’re afraid to look at him.

“Why won’t you look at me, huh?” Fuck. He just won’t let you off the hook at all, huh? You lift your head to look at him directly and- ah. 

Ah. He’s averted his gaze because his eyes are getting a little watery, and his lips are pressed together like he’s trying not to let them tremble. You’ve been a complete dick, haven’t you. That’s nothing new, but the tug of guilt in your gut makes you really regret it this time. You push the covers back and shift to your knees so you can reach over and touch the side of his face. He nearly jumps. 

“You haven’t done anything. Kaoru, you know-” oh no, here you go, “you’re really unfair sometimes.” He leans into your touch a little, wipes quickly at his eyes. 

“What do you mean?” You’re leaning in too much, he has to lean back on his hands. His knees fall apart a little and you place your free hand against the mattress next to his hip. You need to pull back, what are you doing, practically crawling over him like you’re about to- like you’re going to-

“This is my fault,” you whisper. You can feel his breath on your face. “I want things I’m not supposed to have, you know?” 

“Hikaru, you-” 

You’re too close, if you go any farther you’ll be touching. “Sorry.” His eyes widen for a moment and you almost pull away, but then his lashes flutter and you feel his hand curl in the back of your shirt. 

Ah.

His lips are soft, like you’d imagined. 

He doesn’t squirm, he doesn’t push or shove or try to get away, instead he leans into you and accepts what you’re doing. You don’t think you’ve ever considered what would happen if he kissed you  _ back. _ But now he is and you have to pull away because your head’s going to spin right off your shoulders.

You stare at each other for a moment, breathing in the same air, although you’re not really sure if you’re getting any oxygen. 

“I don’t really want to think about what this means right now,” Kaoru murmurs, linking his arms around your neck. “I’d rather you just...do that again?” 

You nod and lean in, tilting your head more properly this time and pressing your lips to his. It feels almost like a shock sent down your spine, tingly and warm and you want to do it again, and again- so you do. He pulls you into him, falling back with his hands gripping your shirt. You hold yourself on your elbows over him, carefully moving your mouth at first but slowly picking up speed and.  

Kaoru breaks off to press his lips to your chin, your jaw, your neck, and you shiver. You’re a little taken aback by how eagerly he reacts to you. This whole situation has come out of left field to beat you over the head. 

You dip back down, trailing your lips down his throat and breathing heavily against his skin. You unhook his arms from around your shoulders and slide your hands into his, pressing him against the bed. He makes a little noise when you hold him down, and suddenly you’re keenly aware of every point of contact you share. You don’t know when your leg slipped between his, but his hips are rocking against you. You glance down upon noticing, and you don’t think he was even aware because he practically squeaks and stutters to a stop. You wish the light was on so you could see him blushing better. 

You didn’t mean to take things quite this far (or anywhere at all), but you’re already here and when you shift against him, pressing, his hips twitch again and you grin. He squirms a little under you.

You lean down though, lifting off of him for a moment. “Are you okay with this?” you murmur in his ear, ready to put as much space as he needs between you two. 

“Yes.”

“You sure?”  
“ _Yes._ ” You get his unsaid message- quit talking, you idiot. 

You kiss his jaw and slide your hands down his sides, feeling this way he shivers and even arcs a little under your touch. You push one hand under his sleeping shirt, tracing over his stomach, and he squirms. 

“Don’t touch my chest, okay?”

You nod, not passing his ribs with your feather touches. You kiss him, letting your knee slide back into place and feeling his hips start up again. He tries to keep them still and you snicker, pressing wet lips to his throat again. “Why do you keep holding back?” You let your hips roll down- once, twice, it’s hard to stop once you start- for good measure. Kaoru’s breath hitches and he curses on the exhale. His voice makes your stomach drop. His hands wander when you’re not holding them down, trailing up your sides and arms, resting on your shoulders, winding down your back. 

You want him, he wants you back. It’s the strangest thing to ever happen to you. 

You sit up and back, pulling him with you so he’s straddling your hips. You run your hands down his sides and feel his twining in your hair. You know you’re thin, but Kaoru just feels  _ small _ . It’s weird, feeling him like this and pulling away and finding someone who looks so much like you staring back. You also kind of really like it. 

You’re a bit of a narcissist, maybe. Or maybe you’re just both really attractive. Lucky genes, maybe it’s good you share some of them.

Kaoru uses his grip in your hair to keep your face where he wants it, nibbling on your lower lip and sighing softly into your mouth. One of your hands traces just under the waistband of his boxers, while you push his shirt up his back with the other. He arches into you, hips pressing against yours, stiffening when you run up his thighs. 

He whispers your name and buries his head into your neck, panting against your skin more than kissing it. You- carefully- press your hand between his legs and relish in the way he tries to grind against you. You don’t exactly know how to touch him, which poses a bit of a problem. 

“What do you want me to do?” 

He slides his hand under yours and you pay careful attention to the kind of movements he makes. You nudge him out of the way so you can try, pressing your lips to the corner of his mouth once you feel you have an idea of what you’re doing. He squirms and makes little noises, whispers your name, he’s quietly but constantly mumbling something into your skin. 

You’re so invested in him, touching him, kissing him that you’re caught a little by surprise when he tugs at the waistband of your pants. He also pushes your shirt up, clearly wanting it off. You pull back so you can tug it over your head and toss it away, and by the time you do that Kaoru’s already got his mouth attached to your neck. He pushes you back now, hands splayed on your chest, and circles his hips firmly against yours. Your breath hitches and your fingers curl in the sheets and you buck up into him, in turn making him push down to meet you. 

“Fuck- Hikaru-” Hearing him say your name like that gets to you more than anything else. A shiver runs down your spine and you vow that you’re going to keep making him speak like that, until he can’t anymore. You push yourself and roll over so you’re on top of him again- you find you much prefer this. He doesn’t protest when you hold him down, lacing the fingers of your left hand through his right. He squeezes. 

You grind against him, slide your hand down his throat, trace over his lips with your thumb then drop lower to splay your hand over his stomach and the sharp jut of his hipbones. You push his boxers down, pausing for a moment to make sure he’s not bothered. Quite the contrary- he whines and wiggles his hips, asking why you stopped, kicks them off. You smile, against his lips to get him to shut up, but that doesn’t last long. He sighs your name, softly, as soon as you touch him. 

Kaoru grinds into your touch, moaning with every exhale. He tugs your pants down with his free hand and you forget you have to breathe for a moment when he starts touching you. The way you involuntarily jerk into his touch surprises you. 

Why does he seem to know more about what he’s doing than you do, anyways? He murmurs your name again and you decide you’re done with him being able to speak so coherently. You quicken your movements and dip your head to nibble at his neck. You zero in on a spot you’re sure he can find a way to hide- with some creativity involved- and suck, firmly. His pale skin darkens easily and the sound he makes is much deeper in pitch, lower in his throat. His spine arcs and his legs spread more for you, like he wants you to come somehow closer. It kind of surprises you how, well,  _ wet  _ he’s gotten- you know this is what, uh, happens with what he’s got but it’s really…

A good thing.  

You kiss your way down, pushing his shirt up so you can get your mouth on more of his skin on your way. You pause at his hipbone and look up, finding him already looking at you through heavy-lidded eyes. His lips are parted, breath coming in short puffs through them. You want to kiss him again, but you’re on a mission. You’re a man with a plan. 

“Kaoru,” you’re not sure how to word what you want to do. You try to keep your hips under control so you can focus on touching him even as you’re sliding your knees to the floor. “Can I...keep going down?”

He blinks when he realizes what you’re asking and sticks his knuckles between his teeth. He nods. You grin and wrap your arms under his legs so you can get them over your shoulders, plant a kiss on his hip and trailing your lips down to the inside of his thigh. You look up at him, pausing to feel him squirm. 

You wait just a little too long, because he threads his free hand into your hair and grumbles your name around his hand, trying to get you to “move already, Hika-ah, ah-” You can barely keep from grinning against him when you hear him stutter off like that, but your lips are a little busy. Kaoru’s grip in your hair tightens, but you don’t mind. You have to hold his hips steady. 

You can tell he’s fighting to keep quiet, and you wish you could tell him to stop muffling himself but you can’t risk someone hearing. For a moment, you realize what would happen if someone walked in on you. 

That would be considerably bad. 

However, you’re already tongue deep in your “twin,” so it’s a little late for thoughts like that. You can worry about it later, and besides, it’s cute how he tries so hard to stay still and silent and fails so miserably. 

You feel when he’s getting close, even if he wasn’t telling you by whisper-begging you to “don’t stop, don’t stop Hikaru, ah.” His back bows and he’s pulling harder than he must realize on your hair, and his legs tense up around you. You focus your attention where he wants it most and don’t let up even when he chokes on a cry and trembles, like he’s got electricity running through him. 

You finally slow down and pull away when his grip lessens and he turns to a puddle in your hands. He cups your face and pulls you up to him so he can kiss you- isn’t that gross? Hey, that’s gross, Kaoru- he just snickers breathlessly against your lips. 

He breathes heavily against your skin for a moment, then you feel his slender hands wrapping around you and you gasp. You didn’t notice how badly you wanted him to touch you until now, but you’re practically desperate. You press your face into his neck and groan, a shiver running down your spine when he kisses your shoulder. It takes an embarrassingly short time for you to come, when you do your arms shake so badly you nearly collapse on him. You’re louder than you meant to be, too, oops. You let yourself flop next to him for a moment. He looks at his hands with distaste. 

“Gross, Hikaru.”

“Oh, shut up.” 

He smirks at you, tongue running over his lower lip. “Just kidding.” He slides off the bed for a moment- you don’t miss the way his knees wobble- so he can grab your shirt and wipe his hands on it. He crawls back into bed with his boxers back on and throws your pants in your face. You begrudgingly pull them on, letting them stay low on your hips- it’s too warm for pants still. He’s over you when you next look up, and as soon as you make eye contact he kisses you. 

It’s much softer now, though, and brief. He pulls back after a moment, satisfied, and settles on his side next to you. You sit up just so you can crack the window open, letting a gentle breeze that ruffles the curtains in. Kaoru’s arms snaking around your waist pull you back down. 

You’re both silent for a few minutes, and you think he may have fallen asleep when he speaks. 

“We fucked up, huh.”

“Well, we definitely fucked.”

He snorts and presses the top of his head into your back. “For God’s sake, be serious for a second. It doesn’t matter that we’re not reasonably related, everyone thinks we’re  _ twins.  _ We’re legally brothers, in case you forgot. I think this counts as a considerable fuck up.”

You’re silent for a moment, then wiggle out of his arms so you can turn to face him. “I don’t know about you, but I wasn’t planning to tell anyone about this. There’s no reason why it’s a problem if no one else knows.”

He raises his eyebrows, clearly skeptical. You wonder if he’s going to tell you this won’t happen again, that you’re going to pretend like it never happened. You hope he’ll at least stay in your bed tonight, maybe, let you pretend for a little longer-

He sighs and closes his eyes, snuggling his face into your chest. “Whatever, I’m tired and I want to sleep. We’ll worry about it later.”

You’re not entirely sure what that means, but he presses his lips to your collarbones and lets your legs tangle with his, and you think you’ll do as he says because you’re already slipping into sleep.

This is probably the best mistake you’ve ever made, if you had to guess.

  
  



End file.
